This entry has nothing to do with me teaching, but everything to do with me learning. It is been proven to me over and over that I am taken care of and have no need to worry. Nonetheless, I can be found stressing, complete with an eye twitch, over nearly everything in my life. I am a do-it-myself, control-freak, stubborn young lady. If I have a dream, I run out and grab it. Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be a missionary. This dream was lit on fire upon my return from my first mission trip to Nicaragua at the age of 15. It was at that time that I decided servanthood in the name of Christ was something I wanted to do. Life continued on and I was blessed to go on 8 more mission trips. By the grace and leading of God I accepted a job this past January as a mission/outreach coordinator at my church. What a dream come true-and God led me there in His timing. His timing is certainly something that a "go-getter" has sincere trouble accepting. This past week a door seemed to close on something I have been praying and striving for. As you would with a close friend who shuts you down (as it seems) time and time again, I had an argument with God and decided to close my heart to Him. I mean, if I can't have what I want I sure as heck am not going to give Him my heart and surrender my life to Him. Surrender my life? I got this...I'm stubborn, remember? I will just do it MYSELF. Upon the closing of my heart, a few other life things happened and I was left with a loss of what to do. You know when you're in a fight with your best friend and you just want to talk to them, but can't because you're "not talking"? Well, that's what my week was like. I was in a fight with God and needed nothing more than to talk with Him about it. I didn't, though, remember...stubborn!
Fast forward to Sunday, I was on duty to serve with the children's ministry and was in full "closed-heart-grump" mode. I wasn't talking to God and surely didn't want to tell kids about Him or sing about Him. I was in the middle of sending a disgruntled text to a friend when an angel (I'm sure) approached me and told me she would be glad to teach the kids so I could attend church. She had no idea what I was going through at that moment, but God did. I stubbornly and disgustingly grumpily shuffled into church and planted my butt in a seat. I had my arms crossed and my heart was still clamped shut with no intentions on me opening it anytime soon. I planned to sit and wait for the hour to pass so I could leave. I was greeted by friends as the opening song played. I didn't sing a single lyric. Who is this girl standing here? At this moment I wanted to vomit as I wondered if this was going to be permanent. Change my name from Katie Joy to Katie Grump. Then the second song started playing...as the lyrics, "Surrender to me" crossed the screen the tears came and the hinges flew off the door I had placed on my heart. The Lord my God will never forsake me no matter how stubborn and grumpy I can get. I am His daughter and how blessed am I that even after throwing a hissy fit, I am loved. I am working my way towards "surrendering".
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