Self Reflection

I recently had the opportunity [assignment, really] to write an ITIP lesson plan to be taught to my 5th graders. An ITIP is a form of lesson plan which goes way beyond what a normal lesson typically contains. I see it as a lesson plan with training wheels. It helps early teachers realize what goes into a lesson plan and by writing it all out numerous times it later becomes second nature to include all of the elements necessary to be a successful lesson.

This was a big moment for me. I had been fearing this day since I declared my elementary education emphasis. Making up a plan, researching and incorporating standards and teaching it to a class full of students that aren't yours, within a classroom that isn't yours while being evaluated by a highly educated and wise College of Education Field Coordinator. Hmmm did I mention the addition of classroom management? I was freaked out trying to get the 'dance' down. How to work the document camera, what to wear, were my shakes going to act up [I have benign tremors if you didn't know], and was I good enough?

Don't get me wrong, as this moment was something I feared it was also something I looked forward to. Teaching. Let's be honest people, growing up is scary stuff.

After my lesson which I thought went very well, I met with my coordinator to go over how I felt the lesson went. I am, by nature, a very, VERY self-reflective person so within the time it took me to walk into a room and sit down with her I had already ripped myself to shreds, belittling myself for the little mistakes I made. I realize this isn't the most healthy of exercises, but it's what I do. So, after I had ripped myself apart I sat down for round two. My field coordinator shared some concerns she had concerning my lesson and these combined with my previous self-evaluation to create a huge avalanche of "I'm not good enough" feelings. Totally illogical, I know.

I left the reflection time feeling less than able to be a teacher. I thought on my way home things like, "Who am I kidding? I'm not good enough to be a teacher. What the heck else can do?"

I'M CRAZY............I KNOW THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That night I received a Facebook message from an old friend with a cheerful message. She shared in some of her struggles and reassured me that mine were valid. Her message of encouragement reached me at the perfect time. Us teachers need to stick together. [If you're reading this, friend, bless you]

Fast forward to today:
I received my ITIP evaluation score, and I ended up with an A-; I was marked down 5 points for classroom management. [AKA the whisperers in the back of the room that I didn't notice because I was FREAKING OUT trying to remember everything I needed to do]. I am meant to be a teacher, and I can do it. Will their be struggles? OH YES! Do I have people who I can turn to for help? You better believe it.

This time in my life is full of uncertainties. I feel stripped and bare trying to find who I am, and in some ways PROVE to others who I can be. Talk about growing pains!

God's Got This!